You are fear (anger)

Posted on September 24, 2022 by lolkin

As you watch, you learn that the observer is merely a bundle of ideas and memories without any validity or substance, but that fear is an actuality and that you are trying to understand a fact with an abstraction which, of course, you cannot do. But, in fact, is the observer who says, ‘I am afraid’, any different from the thing observed which is fear? The observer is fear and when that is realised there is no longer any dissipation of energy in the effort to get rid of fear, and the time-space interval between the observer and the observed disappears. When you see that you are a part of fear, not separate from it – that you are fear – then you cannot do anything about it; then fear comes totally to an end.

Freedom from the known, J. Krishnamurti

PS: you can replace “fear” with “anger”, or any other affliction (klesha) you are struggling with, in the quote above.

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On anger. A reminder poem. Read when angry.

Posted on September 18, 2022 by lolkin

The boat is empty. 

The anger is empty. (1)

You just forgot. Again. 

Remember – your karma led you here. 

How can you be angry with something 

That is a creation of your mind? 

If you act now with anger,  

You will betray your peace, 

And veil your place of bliss, 

And for what? To make a point? 

“Do you want to be right 

Or do you want to be free?” (2)

So stop. 

Notice anger rising. 

Heart beating, pressure building, blood boiling. 

Welcome it, love it but don’t become it. 

Watch the story. 

The anger is rooted in trauma. 

It is not yours. 

Observe, explore, let go. 

Remove yourself. Remove whatever is vexing you. 

Take a step back. Take a break. Breathe.  

Change context, perspective, lens. 

Ignore. Love, if you are next level. 

Or transmute – write about it, do tonglen. (3)

Breathe in all the crap, 

Breathe out love. 

Repeat until you remember. 

Light. Love. Peace. Bliss. 

“Every anger moment is an opportunity for enlightenment.” (4)

1 Ram Dass, a fisherman and a boat story
2 Ram Dass
3 As in tonglen meditation
4 Pema Chödrön
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On anger. Who is the source of your anger?

Posted on September 17, 2022 by lolkin
TikTok @artofbreathing_

Thanks to this video, I’ve had a breakthrough – I realised my father is the source of my explosive rage. The thing is his rage likely is not even conscious, and was passed down by previous generations of my ancestors. I get it, historically they had a lot to be angry with. So I can’t really blame him or anyone for being exposed to anger and violence as a child. But what I can do is end this – the blind rage, the flying off the handles, the harm and the damage, all this crap stops with me. I am beyond grateful that I have this chance and space and ability to heal this for myself and all of my ancestors. Ram Ram.

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Universe has an impeccable sense of humour

Posted on September 10, 2022 by lolkin

Since my “hero dose” 6g plant medicine ceremony in the Netherlands in 2018, I dabbled into smaller doses solo and took part in another group ceremony last month, on Lion’s Gate portal opening 8/8. This was a ceremony led by the BIPOC guides, which is something I sought out specifically, and it was beautiful. I found a strong ancestral and indigenous spiritual element which the previous ceremony lacked.

I am afraid I am done with psilocybin as it told me not to return but to live with the knowledge I have already which should be enough 🙏 Anyway. As I arrived for the ceremony, I walked into the venue in the middle of nowhere in London and what do you know, first thing I saw was this collage depicting cultural traditions of Kazakhstan, my motherland. Universe has an impeccable sense of humour 🤣

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Depression is a state of alienation from our needs

Posted on September 3, 2022 by lolkin

…the internal conflicts often result in depression… When we have a judgmental dialogue going on within, we become alienated from what we are needing and cannot then act to meet those needs. Depression is indicative of a state of alienation from our own needs.

Nonviolent communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg

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Absence of that that we do not want is happiness itself

Posted on August 27, 2022 by lolkin

We often overlook absence of something undesirable, our minds focusing on the next thing, next goal, forgetting that absence of something undesirable has been our goal in the first place and is hence an important part of our happiness.

Take an example of a gardener. She sprays the path with herbicide, weeds are suppressed. Instead of reflecting on the fact that the weeds are gone, what lead to this outcome and how it makes us feel, we tick the box in the mental checklist, move on to the next thing and add another requirement to what needs doing. Absence of something undesirable is no longer a registered achievement that we worked hard for, it is a given. The process repeats itself. It is never enough and we are never content.

So we must slow down, reflect, become mindful of undesirable things that are absent in our lives and what we had to do to achieve that. Let’s be grateful for absence of that that we do not want. Because absence of that that we do not want is happiness itself.

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Art therapy – space poem #TheExpanse

Posted on August 20, 2022 by lolkin

I miss this tv show so much ☹️

I can not wait for the embrace of space!

Its vastness, cold vacuum and void.

So I escape the gravity of self

And into supernova self-destroy.

Strap in for high G burn to Mars,

And then beyond, to far bright stars.

Away from Earth – away from all.

In zero G I hang with soul.

The void is churning my past fast into primordial stardust.

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I float on the thin film of an illusion that we call reality.

Posted on August 13, 2022 by lolkin

I am empty but not in a bad way. I don’t need to be anyone or anywhere anymore, I don’t have goals or projects, I still wonder about purpose occasionally but I accepted not knowing.

I is the source of my suffering. No I – no problem. And so I float on the thin film of an illusion that we call reality.

Who am I? I don’t know. A consciousness fractal? A ripple in atomic energy grid? A 3 dimensional hologram created by my mind? I am not joyfully empty yet, I am still filled with fears and anxiety, but I am more here and more now and it feels like bliss. I did not realise that emptiness is bliss. Emptiness is the safe haven, it is the final peace destination. I feel at home in it.

What am I doing here? I have no idea. I like to believe that I am here for something. It is not to do or be anything. The only goals I have are peace, calm and love. The only dreams I have is what I see at night. I feel like an observer. I am creating the reality. It is dancing in my mind. I close my eyes and I am nothing. When the dance of form stops, I am emptiness again.

I let my destiny manifest and if nothing manifests, then this is my destiny. I welcome the silence. Joy, it is full of joy. Peace over happiness, calm over wisdom, emptiness over purpose. And love. Pure love. And then I forget again.

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Too busy? Or afraid to face emptiness?

Posted on August 6, 2022 by lolkin

When I was younger, I filled all my free time with activities and projects. God forbid, I were to find myself alone in my flat with nothing to do. I was constantly on the go. Life seemed full and good busy until an inevitable crash would hit, which I would deal with by booking a trip abroad or organising a party. I was constantly chasing the high through doing and socialising.

I’ve slowed myself down a lot since then and am no longer afraid of empty days with no plans. In fact, I learned to savour the emptiness. It is interesting to observe others do what I used to. Some people choose to have more kids, others incessant hobbies, yet others are constantly on the go, filling all their time with work or travel – all to avoid facing emptiness and their true selves.

Practicing with the Five Hindrances, Tricycle
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Buddhist humour – happy enlightenment 😊

Posted on July 30, 2022 by lolkin
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