My book on love addiction is now out on Amazon!

It’s a truth universally acknowledged, that a writer in possession of a blog, must be in want of publishing a book 🙂 I went the self publishing route and did it. My mini guide to healing love addiction is now available on Amazon.

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I float on the thin film of an illusion that we call reality.

I am empty but not in a bad way. I don’t need to be anyone or anywhere anymore, I don’t have goals or projects, I still wonder about purpose occasionally but I accepted not knowing.

I is the source of my suffering. No I – no problem. And so I float on the thin film of an illusion that we call reality.

Who am I? I don’t know. A consciousness fractal? A ripple in atomic energy grid? A 3 dimensional hologram created by my mind? I am not joyfully empty yet, I am still filled with fears and anxiety, but I am more here and more now and it feels like bliss. I did not realise that emptiness is bliss. Emptiness is the safe haven, it is the final peace destination. I feel at home in it.

What am I doing here? I have no idea. I like to believe that I am here for something. It is not to do or be anything. The only goals I have are peace, calm and love. The only dreams I have is what I see at night. I feel like an observer. I am creating the reality. It is dancing in my mind. I close my eyes and I am nothing. When the dance of form stops, I am emptiness again.

I let my destiny manifest and if nothing manifests, then this is my destiny. I welcome the silence. Joy, it is full of joy. Peace over happiness, calm over wisdom, emptiness over purpose. And love. Pure love. And then I forget again.

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Too busy? Or afraid to face emptiness?

When I was younger, I filled all my free time with activities and projects. God forbid, I were to find myself alone in my flat with nothing to do. I was constantly on the go. Life seemed full and good busy until an inevitable crash would hit, which I would deal with by booking a trip abroad or organising a party. I was constantly chasing the high through doing and socialising.

I’ve slowed myself down a lot since then and am no longer afraid of empty days with no plans. In fact, I learned to savour the emptiness. It is interesting to observe others do what I used to. Some people choose to have more kids, others incessant hobbies, yet others are constantly on the go, filling all their time with work or travel – all to avoid facing emptiness and their true selves.

Practicing with the Five Hindrances, Tricycle
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Buddhist humour – happy enlightenment 😊

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I finally discovered the path to happiness!

It’s all rather simple and only took me 2 decades:

  1. Start by looking for happiness outside of yourself – change circumstances (location, job, etc) and people around you.
  2. Realise happiness is within, work on self-discovery, inner work, shadow work, inner child/ trauma healing work, etc.
  3. Discover that happiness can only be achieved if you leave your mind behind. Meditation, breathwork, psychedelics, etc.
  4. Start getting glimmers of happiness but it’s not what you expected. In fact, peace, joy, freedom > your idea of happiness.
  5. Final realisation – true happiness (aka bliss and freedom) are only possible when there is no I left to be happy.

🤦🏻‍♀️😬🤣

I am off to go laugh at the moon. Here is the book that led to this latest realisation:

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“Who you are becoming is more important”

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Redefining happiness

Happiness is not something to aspire for. 

Or rather, you will aspire for it but discover it’s something else altogether.

Happiness is painfully shedding everything that does not let you see 

That you are already happy. That you don’t need anything else. 

The end goal then is not happiness. Rather calm, peace, joy.

Become a hermit. A minimalist. A loner. Don’t spend money. Don’t run after things. 

Do nothing. Want nothing. Be still. Follow the flow of life. 

Sit under the tree, proverbially speaking, and let it hit/ carry you. 

Happiness is not something to attain or find or acquire. 

It’s a life lived simply and gently, filled with joy and service. 

It’s layers of your personality shed, with the core revealing itself as emptiness.

You are nothing and then you are everything.

Body, personality, even soul – are something to shed.

This is the path.

Have goals but do not cling to them, use them as direction. 

There is no purpose to life – just living.

Spiritual growth is one way to fill emptiness. Meditate if you want. Remember it’s all lila, a dance. 

Don’t be so damn serious. Relax. Have fun on this ride that is life. 

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Finding enlightenment in the in-between state

It takes some training to equate complete letting go with comfort. But in fact, “nothing to hold on to” is the root of happiness. There’s a sense of freedom when we accept that we’re not in control…

This may lead to a don’t-know-what-to-do kind of feeling, a sense of being caught in-between. On the one hand, we’re completely fed up with seeking comfort from what we can eat, drink, smoke, or couple with. We’re also fed up with beliefs, ideas, and “isms” of all kinds. But on the other hand, we wish it were true that outer comfort could bring lasting happiness.

This in-between state is where the warrior spends a lot of time growing up…

We are told about the pain of chasing after pleasure and the futility of running from pain. We hear also about the joy of awakening, of realizing our interconnectedness, of trusting the openness of our hearts and minds. But we aren’t told all that much about this state of being in-between, no longer able to get our old comfort from the our side but not yet dwelling in a continual sense of equanimity and warmth.

Anxiety, heartbreak, and tenderness mark the in-between state. It’s the kind of place we usually want to avoid. The challenge is to stay in the middle rather than buy into struggle and complaint. The challenge is to let it soften us rather than make us more rigid and afraid. Becoming intimate with the queasy feeling of being in the middle of nowhere only makes our hearts more tender. When we are brave enough to stay in the middle, compassion arises spontaneously. By not knowing, not hoping to know, and not acting like we know what’s happening, we begin to access our inner strength…

For the warrior, “right” is as extreme a view as “wrong.” They both block our innate wisdom. When we stand at the crossroads, not knowing which way to go… it’s where our solid views begin to dissolve…

It’s important to hear about this in-between state. Otherwise we think the warrior’s journey is one way or the other; either we’re all caught up or we’re free. The fact is that we spend a long time in the middle. This juicy spot is a fruitful place to be. Resting here completely—steadfastly experiencing the clarity of the present moment—is called enlightenment.

The In-between State by Pema Chödrön (requires subscription)

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Nomad of the Universe

I don’t know what it means 
That I, it exists before the thought,
Before the breath,
3D spliced between zeptoseconds,
Between pulsating fractal heartbeats.
As someone who has felt spacetime
(has been spacetime?),
Time does not exist.
Mushroom tears.
Somehow I remember to breathe.
And when I am back into I
And here, I bring no answers,
The usual.
Love, beauty, joy, happiness -
Amplify that.
Dance the dance.
Be anyone, or what you are.
Obsess about anything, or anyone.
It does not really matter.
Don’t ask questions,
The questions themselves have no meaning.
The answer is before the question.
All of your problems disappear
With space, time into the zeptosecond
Before the Universe takes its breath.
On the edge of the precipice to nowhere
Where the only reality -
Complete absence of it.
Sad, happy, it is what is.
Go live this truth the best you can.
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The Emptiness Survival Kit is finally here. Happy positive disintegration!

How is your June going, fellow nomads?

I am dealing with the opposite of empty. We have received a call and are hosting a Ukrainian refugee family. That required quite a bit of prep and paperwork. Suddenly there are 3 more folks living in our house… Unexpectedly, after 3 years of no travel, I am heading back to Kazakhstan where the whole family is reuniting for my grandma’s birthday. A 13 hour flight with a hyperactive 10 year old, what can go wrong… I’ve submitted notice at work, it’s been a long time coming… I’ve successfully completed a 30 day “no drama” challenge… I am heading to my first walking holiday second half of June…

I’ve crammed it all in, because I have “4 months left to live” on the “year to live” challenge. So I am living my life accordingly. It has been hectic and non-stop but also fun. I’ve watched and rewatched Heartstopper and ever since been feeling inspired to create by it. So here is another milestone – I promised before to pull all emptiness related posts from past year into one Emptiness Survival Kit and never got to doing it. Until now. Here it is – the Emptiness Survival Kit.

This is the culmination of everything I’ve learned in the last couple of years, summed in 42 essential quotes, tips and practises (plus bonus blog posts that I wrote since then) that helped me and hopefully will help you get through the emptiness practice. Not that it’s ever complete… 

Happy positive disintegration. Light and Love. 

Lola 

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There is nothing to do…

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