My book on love addiction is now out on Amazon!

It’s a truth universally acknowledged, that a writer in possession of a blog, must be in want of publishing a book 🙂 I went the self publishing route and did it. My mini guide to healing love addiction is now available on Amazon.

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“These amplifying times make the world into a magnifying glass of awareness” – Matt Kahn


If you wonder why despite all your practice someone, a loved one, a friend, a random stranger, can trigger you so instantly and drag you down to their lower frequency (“vibrational co-dependency orbit”), don’t freak or question your practice – this is all part of the process. The world is indeed awakening and healing and this triggers multiple egos to lose it, including yours. All we can do is snap back into awareness, remember as soon as we can, return to our practice, deepen it and – “ah, so”.

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The White Wolf Meditation

I learned about this meditation on the Loner Wolf website. They call it the “Dark Night of the Soul meditation”. It is a healing practice for anyone going through the emptiness practice or the Dark Night of the Soul, and in need of a relief. The original mediation can be found on Loner Wolf, below is a 12min recording of it that I made for my practice. Chase that light (or rather BE the light) and take it easy, fellow nomads, in these “amplifying times” (Matt Kahn).

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Nobody home. Off to chase butterflies and talk to plants :)

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Strange things are afoot. A couple of years ago, I watched a documentary about an American shaman in Peru, Souther Hamilton, ayahuasca and his Blue Morpho retreat centre. It must still be somewhere on Youtube. Their ceremonies looked profound. More recently, I’ve listened to a podcast episode with Hamilton sent by a friend and wondered again what it would be like to take part in such a ceremony. Then one day, out of the blue, my fellow psychonaut has kindly extended me his spare ticket to a retreat by… Blue Morpho! The lockdown version is in a new, socially distanced, digital format, sans ayahuasca. But it is a good thing because a) I don’t need to travel all the way to Peru, b) I don’t have to worry about loosing my mind or c) having to wear an adult nappy (purging is strong with aya). I, of course, said YES immediately 🙂  

We start tomorrow. It’s a full-time, 3-day commitment, with ceremonies, meditation, trance, bodywork and dieta (fast). Three day integration is recommended afterwards. Tea is involved, although made out of more common (and legal) plants. My tea of choice will be a mix of Hawaiian red rose, jasmine and mallow which I got as a gift. I really can not wait to see if the flowers speak to me and whether it will be one plant, and then which one, or all of them.

I may have mentioned here that I considered a guided fast before (with Sura Detox centre in Devon), to learn to empty physically, to explore hunger spiritually, which for me as a post Soviet child is a terrifying prospect. From this perspective, fast is a welcome practice. Will I last? Will I give in? Will hunger drive me mad? Or will I get enlightened? We will see. I chose a beginner fast which means I can have two 500ml juices (vegan smoothies rather) a day and a “lemonade” – hot water with lemon and parsley. All while having my boys at home cook nice smelling, carb rich meals…

We shall see. Will I be a new person next week? What will I know that I don’t know now? Will it all be a waste of time? I honestly don’t know. Off I go, to chase a blue butterfly 🙂 Stay safe and sane wherever you are locked down!

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Ask yourself…

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Reblog — Meditation by Anthony Garner

A fellow blogger Anthony Garner has recently plugged into the Universal Spirit and floated there blissfully ever since writing down his prayer like meditations on life and purpose. This post of his reads like a meditation and recharges with light. It instantly made me light-er. Enjoy!

To sit in dappled shade in the late summer sunshine. To breathe the soft cool wind, to close eyes and let the mind wander where it will.

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On giving it all away and being someone else’s synchronicity

First there was the money plant that my sister gave me. Right after that a sum of money equivalent to my ex monthly income manifested itself. It did not magically fall from the sky, it was a result of previous hard work, but nevertheless.

In this space that I am in, not having had a job for more than a year, a logical, mind thing to do would have been to squirrel this money away and buy myself another couple of months of mini-retirement/ soul-searching. This however just did not feel right this time. 

Give it all away, kept saying Ram Dass. Give it all away and when you want to give less, give more instead, reassured Wayne Dyer. Money is energy, said one of my enlightened friends. Energy needs to be circulating, can’t keep it, can’t hold onto it. Dyer nodded. In this life you do not own anything. Pass it on. You are not crazy, says ever practical Mr Money Mustache, giving money away makes you happier. Inspirational folks like Allan Saldanha who give away more than half of their salary to charities seem to agree. 

Feed people, said Maharaj-ji. And I’ve recently realised that he did not mean just food. Feed people with food, money, light, energy, kindness, whatever. Help out. Don’t expect anything in return. Give for the sake of it. Be someone else’s synchronicity.  Continue reading

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Breathwork practices to reset & recharge in less than 30min

After a month of campaigning to #cancelborat and CNN, Variety and The Times  exposing racism in this film as a result (campaign now running under #WeAreNotYourJoke), I am switching gears and preparing to take part in one of the  Blue Morpho retreats led by one of a kind Souther Hamilton. Souther is experimenting with bringing shamanism to digital, no ayahuasca necessary! Three days of fasting, singing icaros and going in and out of trance – I am really looking forward to it! 

Below are some of the breathing techniques that we are learning in preparation for it. The first one I found is especially profound. Do you have any breathwork practices that you enjoy? Drop the links in the comments. 

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Awake. The Life of Yogananda

I heard about Yogananda and his book “Autobiography of a Yogi” before. But it is only this year that someone shared this documentary with me and I finally got to learn more. I had goosebumps several times watching it. This quote really stayed with me. Life is but light and shadows. We are but light and shadows. On our paths to get to the source… 

This earth is nothing but movies to me. Just like a beam of a motion picture. Everything is made of shadows & light. That’s what we are. Light and shadows of the Lord… There is one purpose. To get to the beam.  

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Could you be going through the Dark Night of the Soul? Happy “positive disintegration”…

Alternative, beautiful translation of the poem by Saint John of the Cross here.

If you are going through the period of existential emptiness and spiritual depression, likely after a profound mystical experience, you may find this post by Loner Wolf helpful: 7 Omens That Herald the Dark Night of the Soul. Make sure you don’t miss the White Wolf meditation! I have a feeling that Continue reading

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“Losing is satori. Winning is illusion.” — Kodo Sawaki Roshi

Western values based culture teaches us that winning, climbing the ladder, reaching the peak is the ultimate goal. “The winner takes it all”. Losers are pitied and no one wants to be one. At the same time those who actually reach the proverbial peak know that winning is not the answer. The ladder never ends and it does not lead to freedom.

What a perspective shifter then when a realised being, a Zen monk known as “Homeless Kodo” tells us otherwise – actually, losing is satori, enlightenment. Winning, victory is just an illusion. Meditate on that! 🙂  These days I prefer to hang out with homeless monks and other realised beings rather than neurotic type A achievers. It took years to get my priorities straight…

Below is excerpt #21, I suggest you read all of them. You can find them here:  Continue reading

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