Last year was hard. Many of my friends are mystics or psychonauts, both of which often come with existential crises, dark nights of the soul, depression and unemployment. As the social roles and identities fall off, the soul reawakens and reclaims spacetime from the ever distrustful, fearful, jittery mind. The soul gently teaches it how to be and co-exist in peace and gradually envelopes it in Love.
The winter of the soul is dark but necessary to germinate the seeds of meaning, integrate the void, truly find oneself, get to see the purpose, learn how to live every day from and be led by the soul, not mind.
And then one spring day you find yourself sobbing, not because of the depths of darkness and emptiness that are once again engulfing you, but rather with tears of joy. A couple of good friends who were as stuck as you found a job and whereas before that would have involuntarily filled you with jealousy, self-pity and even self-directed anger, now you feel truly happy for them and believing on all levels, knowing that the Universe is abundant and there is enough for everyone. If they succeed, you have no choice but to succeed also. If they are coming out of emptiness, you will too.
Another friend who you want to be in touch with more frequently sends a message after prolonged silence. Instead of feeling possessive, victimised and angry, like before, you feel calm and truly happy for them, their achievements, that they exist, that your paths crossed and that they are blessed with love.
Blessed! This is the feeling. Blessed, grateful, graced. Thank you, thank you, the Universe, my guru, the One, God, thank you, myself, thank you, meditation and practice! How amazing it is to be, to rest in this place of peace, content and happiness and feel my mind finally aligned with my soul. The ego self-congratulates for all the hard spiritual work paying off but of course there was never anything to attain in the first place, I always was this grace, this bliss.
I was vaccinated several weekends ago. For two days heaviness rolled across my body like a wave – from my arm, to fingers, to stomach, to feet. Now I feel renewed, I feel as if vaccination was a demarkation point, a new chapter, and the emptiness practice was the Universe vaccinating me with darkness so I can move on to the new beginnings. From hopelessness to hope but remember the devotee, the mystic lives between hope and hopelessness…
Birds sing to spring and I hope I am finally ready to come out of winter hibernation.
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“existential crises, dark nights of the soul, depression and unemployment”
Hmm, life can be distinctly unamusing, that’s for sure. I don’t think I have ever been unemployed since I gave up employment in disgust back in 1992, but the rest of it is certainly me.
I feel more resigned to life these past two or three years. I can not claim the dark nights have disappeared but I seem to be able to recognize them as the same sort of illusion as constitutes the rest of life.
To some extent I seem to have come through a dark tunnel and emerged into something…..well, less dark. I have realized forcefully recently that I do not seem to have the urge to write much anymore. Perhaps it has been therapy, perhaps it has done its trick.
I am still puzzled of course. By everything. But since the “Answer” seems unlikely to emerge anytime soon, perhaps I am just ignoring the big questions these days.
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Yes, Anthony! “It’s in the midst of the darkness that the light exists” (Ram Dass). Ditto on writing, all I seem to be doing these days is quote Ram Dass 😂 I use my blog as a bookmarking tool of sort and a diary so doing it for the sake of writing has become less important… What if dropping the questions is the Answer? You may have made it, spiritually 😉
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