You meet a person. You share trauma and/or interests in common. They seem lovely, you hang out, and you become friends, fast. You notice some inconsistencies, e.g., they are not on any social media or love to complain about everything (being a victim), and perhaps in your gut you have this uneasy feeling. But making a deep connection is exciting and you steamroll over any red flags.

And then one day (soon, if you are lucky), you stretch your boundaries so much that an inevitable dramatic event occurs naturally and, in shock, you have to face the reality. The person is laden with emotional and mental health baggage, what they really need is therapy, not your friendship, you are not equipped to help them, you missed all red flags and overstepped all boundaries.

Sound familiar? As you wonder, once again—what happened? How did I let this happen? You realise you tried to “save”/ “fix” someone, again. You’ve done this before. Your first attempt at “saving” was likely your loved one who you desperately wanted, needed to change. Why do you keep doing this?

This is especially the case with internalizers. Because of their attunement to others, they can get so focused on other people’s issues that they lose sight of their own needs and overlook how the emotional drain is harming them. In addition, they are secretly convinced that more self sacrifice and emotional work will eventually transform their unsatisfying relationships. So the greater the difficulties, the more they try. 

If this seems illogical, remember that these healing fantasies are based on a child’s ideas about how to make things better. As children, internalizers tend to take on the role-self of the rescuer, feeling a responsibility to help others even to the point of self-neglect. Their healing fantasy always involves the idea It’s up to me to fix this. What they can’t see is that they’ve taken on a job nobody has ever pulled off: changing people who aren’t seeking to change themselves.

Inner Child Healing, Lindsay C. Gibson 

And,

The Laziness Lie has fundamentally warped our sense of boundaries, making many of us believe that other people’s problems are ours to solve. It tells us that if we care for someone, we have to suffer to help them. Unfortunately, we can’t actually fix another person’s problems. So, we end up frustrated and run-down… we ought to ask ourselves if another person’s problems truly warrant our involvement, and if so, which kinds of involvement.

Laziness Does Not Exist, Devon Price

When you become aware of your people “saving” pattern, get fed up of the inevitable, always negative for you, repercussions (aka the Drama), you are ready to face and break the pattern. It will take a lot of inner work and presence/ mindfulness to not do it again, but you becoming aware of this problem means you are half way there.

For those struggling with emotional overcommitment, Devon Price quotes Kathy Labriola in recommending to ask these questions before trying to “save” someone:

• Can they solve this on their own?
• Do they want help?
• Do they want my help?
• Am I the right person to provide help right now?
• Can I direct them to seek help from a professional or a close loved one?
• What are my motives for helping?
• What will helping cost me?

Conserve your energy and choose peace. You can’t help those who are not ready to be helped. In fact, it is an act of spiritual violence to try and help them if it’s not your role. You need to let them walk their path, even if it is heavy with suffering. If you can help, the Universe will show you how. Stay present.