Tonglen meditation is an amazing tool. It is pure alchemy – you breathe in suffering, transform it and release it as light. I was introduced to it by Pema Chödrön. I use it when interacting with people who are suffering and who I can’t help, and people who appear negative. It works well because it instantly shifts the perspective (if one remembers to use it). In his talk for the Tricycle Magazine, Ethan Nichtern gives a great explanation of the practice. Below is a redacted copy.

A very brief practice of a form of compassion or empathizing meditation in Tibetan is called tonglen, which literally means “sending and receiving.” It’s practice that is really super helpful to working with relationships.

Take a comfortable seat. Make yourself available to whatever sense perceptions are happening right now. Sound, sight, sensations in the body, just let there be space for whatever arises in your mental experience. Make yourself available to whatever thoughts are arising, without having to push them away, without having to chase them, just kind of like you’re watching a wave on the shore of a vast ocean or lake.

Close your eyes, we’re first going to generate compassion for yourself. Be really simple and specific, just notice one way, right now, that you are struggling, that you are experiencing dukkha, suffering. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. It could just be stress. It could just be working too hard. Just bring to mind a way that you are struggling.

And as you inhale, imagine that you can actually stay present with that specific instance of suffering or difficulty. And as you exhale, just imagine offering to yourself some kind of relief. It could be as simple as imagining yourself having a pillow and a good night’s sleep. It could be imagining yourself having more understanding or more clarity, more self-compassion.

As you breathe in, again, just imagine that you are taking on, or at least staying present with the perceived difficulty. And as you exhale, it’s just this generous moment of offering yourself relief, healing, good vibes. You can visualize the light, or pure air.

And now bring someone else to mind and think of somebody that you’re just slightly avoiding dealing with, just like a difficult phone call you need to make or you’re resisting, or somebody is trying to get in touch with you that you’re not so excited about being in touch with, someone you have some gentle resistance towards relating to right now.

See if you can imagine what their current difficulty is in a very human way. As you inhale, you can take that on without there being a sense that it sticks to you, because your mind is open and available like that space. And as you breathe this out, imagine that you can offer them whatever might help them. Offer them a pillow, offer them some peace, offer them clarity. Whatever it is.

And then imagine that we could offer compassion not to all beings because all beings is a generalization but to each being. So see just what specific types of human beings or groups of human beings or other individuals come to mind. As they come to mind, see if you can breathe in whatever difficulty they might be having and breathe out your own willingness to help them, your own willingness to connect with them, your own willingness to not transcend your interconnectedness with them. Breathing in for each being, breathing out for each being’s benefit. Breathing in each being’s difficulty, breathing out each being’s benefit.

And finally let’s let our minds open and rest. Back to that very “whatever is happening” space. That inclusive space, that available space of whatever sounds, whatever sensations, whatever emotions arise, just accommodating. So because we are not creating a conceptual barrier between ourselves in our experience we can actually lean into whatever the present moment is more. We can actually experience our life more fully. That’s the idea of emptiness.