I’ve read the amazing Inner Child Healing by Lindsay C. Gibson earlier this year and wanted to create an easy to use, emergency one pager that summarised key tips and techniques for those who have emotionally immature parents and have to interact with them when they are visiting, at a family dinner, etc without losing one’s shit completely 😇

Why and how an emotionally immature person gets triggered:

1. When you try to improve the relationship with them or change it at an emotional level. In other words, when you try to change them.
2. They are terrified of facing their inner child needs and feelings, any attempt to change them leads to them regressing emotionally due to their fear.
3. They attempt to control you by triggering you and trying to make you regress to your child role so you stop upsetting them.
4. Instead, focus on a specific question or outcome to contact their adult side. 

Key interaction principles:

1. Detached observation (do not take anything personally)
2. Maturity awareness (treat them like a toddler that they mentally are)
3. Away from old role–self (do not regress to a child role)

Quick approach:

1. Express and let go
2. Focus on outcome, not relationship
3. Manage, not engage

Full approach:

1. Stay true to yourself
2. Detach emotionally
3. Interact without expectations
4. Give up the need for deep relationship
5. It is okay to not have their understanding
6. Give up healing fantasy about changing them
7. Be okay either way

My tagline approach summary – treat them like one would a toddler with their basic manipulation attempts, outbursts and tantrums.

Useful questions to ask:

1. Do your parents really have something you want now? 
2. You don’t need the negativity your parents dish up. It isn’t about winning or losing; it’s about freeing yourself from reacting to your parents’ emotional contagion.
3. Your parents will be emotionally available to you in inverse proportion to how much you feel the need for them. Only if you operate from your adult, objective mind will you feel safe to your parents. …the reality is, they are simply too terrified to handle your inner child’s emotional needs.