Western materialism teaches you to put all your attention and determination on making a success of business; but in India we are taught to make that same effort for God. — Yogananda

I’ve heard several times in my 30s and early 40s that I had no ambition. First, in the corporate world, when I gradually, over years, realised that I did not want a promotion and to be a manager. Second, lately, after several stints of unemployment while I was looking for myself. My colleagues and my loved ones often can not get their heads around why I proactively downshift to lower level roles and sometimes pay, how I can go for years apparently, as I recently discovered, without achieving or doing much professionally. For years, I was equally perplexed. Why can’t I be “normal”!

It’s only now, after more than a decade of being a “good girl” and a “hard worker,” that I realise that that role is not for me and it is not me. I had to work hard for what? To be promoted and work even harder? To enrich the already rich 1% while I miss out on even more time with my son? To tell my dimming soul on a soul-destroying commute that we are ok while barely believing it? It got to the point that I had to do a soul-recovery ritual because I nearly lost it. I nearly lost myself.

Ambition, as it’s defined in our culture, is a strong, all-pervading, single-minded desire to achieve material goals (fame, power or wealth). I am trying to let go of this sort of ambition. My definition of ambition is spiritual — a strong, all-pervading, single-minded drive to find myself, to stay true to myself, to not let anyone or anything dim my light, to find and walk my path (self-realise by realising God’s will). I may have to let go of this ambition at some point too. It is likely that at some point, I will aim for zero ambition of any type.

So I am not lazy, afraid or depressed, I am not burnt out, lost or stuck (anymore anyway). And I am finally done figuring it out. My ambition is spiritual and although on the surface, and sometimes even to myself! it may look like I am not “achieving” or doing anything, it is less about achieving, doing and accomplishing, and more about self-work, changing lenses and turning the kaleidoscope of perspectives. My doing is more of undoing. I am not going to just take on any social role from now on, I emptied so I can be picky about what I become.